Floors rarely mopped and carpets rarely vacuumed

Abused furniture, undusted and unwaxed - we guarantee our stains to be of every sort

Lamps from Target if not found in an alley

Nap on our giant comfy slum-proper sofa with holes in it - if you bring a friend and delight in being selfish we'll stack some books for him to sit on while you hog

Four or five stations to watch on a television more than twenty years old - believe it - it repairs itself but can't replace missing knobs for which we have pliers

We guarantee our VCR to be authentic pawnshop merchandise

Homey atmosphere of yellow, nicotine-stained walls , windows and curtains - smoke all you want since your host will

To maintain our dive ambiance we use fans rather than air conditioning - and we boast the loudest heater in the world if the landlord feels like turning it on

Private bathroom - just shut the door - your host probably won't listen unless asked

Used soap - rest confident that it works - apparently

Laundry facilities where your clothes could be gone when you return from the restroom

Clean linen and towels if no one steals them while they're being washed - the mattress is clean should it be needful to go without sheets

Free continental breakfast of pickle slices - don't knock it - vinegar is good for you and we bother with it in the first place

Free Piedmont macaroni mix and other slum-ready cuisine

Barbecue grill genuinely borrowed just as neighbors do in any other slum

Casio keyboard can also be borrowed. It's missing keys but, so what - most of the neighbors are missing teeth. Because they don't brush we can supply string and your choice of loose door knobs if you need to yank a few during your visit

Free beer if you can swill Colt 45

A romantic industrial atmosphere, like spending the night at a concrete mixing plant

Tan or watch the sun set from amidst our lovely landscaping - large concrete slabs bare of awning or trees that obstruct your view at other motels

Watch big trucks roll by all day. By night watch the light show as cops gather somewhere along the block

Hospitable neighbors in a scotch-induced daze - enjoy the ambulance action when one drinks himself to death

Screaming children, often playing in the streets as cars speed past - just watch and wait

Go on our Barefoot Adventure - needles on the ground everywhere - a cheap means of advertising by our esteemed local pusher

Hike along famous Fountain Creek - nearly dry and loaded with treasures like old washing machines - derelicts love this area

Or use our publi c bicycle with wobbly wheels

Low-key prostitution - we're working on this - meanwhile prices fit most wallets even here

Sorry, no gangs, but we do offer guns secretly worn in the vicinity, and occasional gunfire to fill the lonely gaps when stray madness in rags isn't cursing the heavens

Get robbed in broad daylight at one of the busiest intersections in the city

Watch a drunk get hit by a car at one of the busiest intersections in the city

City-wide tours, in an ancient car with neither brakes nor paint, to the latest murder sites

Listen to bikers rev their engines as you retire for the night - if you time it just right the train will blow its whistle too